Rant and Rave 1: Warning explicit language ahead

So it is 2:40, almost 3 in the morning, where I am. Why aren't I asleep you might be wondering? I cannot. I got woken up by the in-laws dog literally eating herself fucking alive. So, that's a grand thing. I also get to clean the house because Goddess forbid my ficking husband actually pitch in and help me. Also, in a few hours I get to get up and try to do reserch for school all while wrangling with an angry toddler who had a piss poor nights sleep thanks to the fucking mutt. All my husband wants to do is sit around on his fucking laptop and not pitch in with anything unless I ask. I should not have to ask his ass to help me clean up after our child. I should not have to ask him to clean up after his own self. He is a grown ass man, and I feel like I'm stuck with two toddlers. Then he seriously wants to wonder why I'm never happy in our marriage/relationship. Actually has the balls to get pissy with me when I want to bring ANYTHING up at all about fixing out shit. He is so blinded and it literally kills me. Not to mention his family literally has him by the balls. He strives so hard to get their approval on EVERYTHING that he disregaurds me and what I have to say about things. Goddess forbid I bring it up to him. Hell, Goddess forbid we talk about ANYTHING at all pertaining to the life and strength of our marriage/relationship. His wonderful father has royally fucked us with trying to find a place to live by the end of the month, and my dear old husband seems to not give any leven of shits at all. Mean while, what do I get to do? I get all the disrespect from everyone I'm surrounded by, my own child shows me disrespect most of the time now!! No one respects how I feel or anything that I'd like to do. If we don't have a place to go by the end of the month, guess we are living on the streets in a cardboard box because we have nothing here. We got stuck in Alabama. I have tried and tried to talk to my thick headed husband about going somewhere else. But, nope. He wants to stick where mommy and daddy are. Must be fucking nice to have a family you can be by. I lost mine, and what did I have to do in order to go and take care of everything? Fucking beg these people. My father literally sat there rotting while I had to beg to fucking go take care of him. Then, a few months later the same fucking thing happens with my aunt, his sister, and I had to do EVERYTHING over the phone. Why? Because dear ol' mother-in-law wanted me to be photographer for her youngest sons fucking graduation!! Because no one else knows how to point a fucking camera and click a fucking button. These fucking people baffle me. I have never seen anything fucking like this. My marriage and life and falling apart at the seams and I'm literally the only one who sees it and gives a flying fuck about. I can't leave. My husband will not let me. And on top of that, even if I did; I have no place to go. No money, no one will hire me because I'm in college. I still don't even have my license. I had to wait and beg and plee to get glasses so that I could see in order to go and get them. I have glasses. I can now see like I'm suppsoed to. Do I have my license? Nope. Absolutely fucking not. I have asked and begged several fucking times too. I have a family now that I am supposed to be able to take care of, but Goddess forbid I be allowed to do so. My in-laws want my husband and I to rely on them for absolutely everything. I was not raised this way and thus, I have a major fucking problem with everything. I suffer from depression and suicidal tendencies, and honestly all my husband cares about is getting out of his parents house so that he could have the possibility of fucking anal sex. I'm not even joking. I found this out by actually talking to him about how bad my mental illness is getting and his reason for wanting to move so bad was so that my body would relax so that he could try fucking anal sex again with me. My only reason as to why I haved attempted and succeeded with fucking suicide is because of my child. But fuck, I really think everyone would just be better off without me. All I am is a fucking object to people. Even when I do stand up for myself and fight back, my attempts are meaningless. I had a miscarriage back in July, my due date was to be March 25th of this year... I was the only one to even remember that... I was the only one to remember when we fucking lost our child also. Am I the crazy one? What in the actual apple pie fuck is wrong with me then? I never wanted to get married, but was tricked and forced into this shit stain of marriage. I even wanted to fucking leave my husband even before we found out I was pregnant, but he played my heart and pulled the "If you leave I'll kill myself" fucking card. I'm not the kind of person to take that threat fucking lightly. I have had close and dear friends fucking take their lives because of shit like that. Because they lost the last thing that meant anything to them. And then my husband pull shit like that KNOWING what I've gone through... Everyone says the same bull shit line, "It will get better. Just stay positive." Is all of this really fucking worth it? I just want to pack my and my childs things and leave and never look back. But I feel wrong and guilty for wanting to do so... I can't keep up with these people anymore. I cannot keep this up... It's killing me.. Literally killing me.. It's taking it's toll on my body, heart, and soul. I try so hard to act like things are okay, but when I try to talk about how we can make things better I feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling like I do and it just fucking hurts. I don't even have a knife in my heart anymore, it's turned to a dull and rusted broken dagger that I can no longer pull out. This is not love. This is not happiness. This certainly is not how I envisioned my life to be like at fucking 24 years old. These people have kept me from my family, and the thing that hurts the fucking most about losing them is they fucking knew I was being kept from them. I used to be in denial about it, but honestly, there's nothing to deny anymore.. I have a house to finish cleaning, laundry to finish doing, and research for school to get started on and hopefully finish before the dead line. Wish I could say there wouldn't be more of these, but there cetainly will be...

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Comments (8)

  1. pets

    I enjoyed reading this you got my support

    March 08, 2017
    1. helloxkittie

      Thank you. Just really needed to let some steam out. Still going on no sleep and I’m sitting outside with my little one right now.

      March 08, 2017
      1. pets

        im here if you need to let some steam out

        March 08, 2017
        1. helloxkittie

          I figure I’d just make a seperate blog also for the relief too.

          March 08, 2017
          1. pets

            that’s a good idea

            March 08, 2017
      2. pets

        so how is your day going so far with you

        March 08, 2017
        1. helloxkittie

          Amusing now that my tot is up and we are outside.

          March 08, 2017
          1. pets

            cool I enjoy your company

            March 08, 2017